“Should I get a divorce?” This is a question I hear often from readers. One I’m unable to answer because only the parties to a marriage can determine whether divorce is the solution to their marital problems.
I will say this, when it is time for you to divorce, you won’t be asking anyone if it is the right thing to do or not. You will know in your heart that it is time to take your life in a new direction. For those of you still on the fence and pondering the divorce question I can give you insights into marital problems that lead to divorce.
Not dealing with these marital problems can lead to resentment, hurt feelings and can cause one spouse to emotionally detach from the other. If any of the six things below is happening in your marriage I suggest you seek marital counseling or, if you feel it is too late, file for a divorce
6 Signs it May be Time to Divorce:
1. Life Without Your Spouse is an Appealing Idea:
Thinking about how much better life would be if you were divorced is common. It happens during times of marital strife to most. I recently received an email from a young man who has been married for two years. In that frame of time, he and his wife have added twins to the family.
Imagine being newly married and the father of twins. According to him, he thought constantly of what life would be like without his wife and all the new responsibilities. Is that a reason to end a marriage? No, in his case it is a reason to adjust the way he handles stress and his new responsibilities. What he is feeling is normal.
What is not normal is if you find yourself fantasizing about divorce often because you dislike your spouse. This is a sign that you are stuck in an unpleasant situation and you are unable to find a solution to the marital conflict. It's a for sure sign that you need to seek marital therapy before it is too late.
2. You Can’t Remember the Last Time You Were Happy in Your Marriage:
If the negative outweighs the good in your marriage, your marriage is in trouble and in need of help. If there is more trouble than paradise, you need to get help in learning how to confront the issues causing the problems in the marriage. Problems feed on inactivity.
They also feed off intimate distance between spouses. It's making time to have fun together that creates an intimate bond and happiness.
Not taking pro-active steps to do fun things together and to solve marital problems will lead to other problems and it only makes sense that the bad would soon outweigh the good in your marriage.
3. You Don’t Share Your Thoughts or Feelings With Your Spouse:
Do you find yourself dreading talking to your spouse about marital problems or life in general? Marital communication is an important way to relieve stress and build a healthier bond between couples. If you don't feel comfortable communicating with your spouse this could be a sign that you feel a lack of trust in your spouse. A marriage can't survive where there are issues of trust.
4. You Feel Defensive and Angry Toward Your Spouse:
If either of you are overly defensive, dismissive of the other's feelings, show contempt for the other's beliefs or engaging in stonewalling tactics you are at high risk for divorce. When conflict is avoided or negative defense mechanisms are engaged when trying to deal with conflict you are not allowing healthy conflict resolution. It can be the kiss of death for a marriage.
5. You Want to Fix the Problems But Your Spouse Ignores Your Attempts
Are you frustrated because every time you try to discuss marital problems your spouse pulls away from you?
Maybe you have tried to express that you no longer care and you are the one distancing themselves from the marriage. It isn't uncommon for either spouse to withdraw if they feel the issues in the marriage are being avoided by the other spouse. Eventually, one spouse or, the other will shut down altogether and no longer be interested in solving the marital problems.
6. You Have no Interest in Sex With Your Spouse
Maybe one of you wants sex and the other doesn't. Maybe you have both stopped needing that intimate connection with each other.
Whatever the reason, a marriage that lacks sexual intimacy and affection will either end up in divorce or end up being a marriage of convenience. One in which you stay for the sake of the children or because you are afraid of the lifestyle change divorce will bring.
To the people who divorced an alcoholic spouse: Was that their rock bottom? Did the spouse get better? Worse?
I'm about to divorce my husband of 3 years (together for 9) whom I love and care about so much. I feel like I'm abandoning him and I feel like his drinking will get worse (though you can't drink more than 7 nights a week, but somehow I think it'll be worse without me).
As much as I love him, I'm miserable being married to this disease. If I need to leave him in order for him to hit rock bottom and get better and build a life without me -- then it hurts like hell but it's what I need to do.
So this got me wondering, for those of you who filed for divorce specifically because your spouse was an alcoholic - did they reach their rock bottom? Did they seek out AA or counseling? Did they get worse?
What happens to the alcoholic after you leave them?
- Joe BeamPresident, Marriage Helper
- 201423 May
- COMMENTS
“People tell me I should divorce her. Forget her. Find someone else. She admits she was in love with the guy..but she says it’s over and she wants to make our marriage work. Asked me to forgive her. I don’t know if I can.
“Am I a fool to consider staying with her? Could I ever believe she really loves me? Will I ever quit thinking about the two of them together? What if he tries to get her back? Could I trust her not to go? Can I ever trust her again about anything?”
He paused, dropped his chin and said, “Part of me wants to walk away. Part of me wants what we had before. I don’t know what to do.”
Countless times over the last twenty years, I heard similar questions from men and women whose spouses cheated. Infidelity runs rampant. Every week people call our nonprofit because of it. Desperate people ask us for help to rescue their straying spouses who say they no longer love them. Penitent people ask us if there is any way to convince their spouses to forgive them for their unfaithfulness. Many, similar to the story above, say their spouses asked to be forgiven and taken back but struggle with whether they should..or even could.
![Should I Divorce My Wife Quiz Should I Divorce My Wife Quiz](https://img.webmd.com/dtmcms/live/webmd/consumer_assets/site_images/article_thumbnails/quizzes/infidelity_rmq/1800x1200_infidelity_rmq.jpg)
We help people in any of those situations.
In this article, I address those making a decision about whether to forgive and reconcile. My suggestions come from years of experiences with multitudes of marriages affected by adultery.
First, Consider Your Spouse’s Character
A vast difference exists between good people who do bad things and bad people who do bad things. Good people sometimes do bad things. Stupid things. Terrible things. Yet, they still differ substantially from people who do not have good hearts.
If prior to your spouse’s straying he consistently lacked integrity or morals, or manipulated, used, and discarded you and others with little to no regard for your welfare or emotions, why give him another chance to hurt you? God may change him, but you cannot. If he acted that way before straying, do you believe he will act differently now?
However, if before his adultery he demonstrated love, compassion, integrity, and other evidences of goodness, he likely is worth rescuing.
During his affair, he probably displayed characteristics that caused you to question his heart. People who cheat typically lie, manipulate, and sometimes say mean, hurtful things. Some stray into activities contrary to all they believed and stood for before. Crossing one boundary often leads to crossing many. They display behavior that understandably causes others to categorize them as bad. However, before you label him as that, ask yourself whether his behavior during the affair was consistent with who he was before, or whether it was as if he had changed into someone else.
If he became someone else, then he likely is a good person who was doing a bad thing. His actions contradicted the man he once was. If he now demonstrates penitence and asks for forgiveness and reconciliation, do not view him only as he was during the adultery, but remember who he was before it occurred. In short, consider the possibility that he is a good person who did a bad thing and now wants again to do right.
If he is, and you choose to forgive and reconcile, you have a strong chance of making your marriage better than it was before.
Second, Consider Your Own Heart
You have every right to be hurt and angry if your spouse strayed. You need time for hurt and anger to heal. If people try to convince you that you must let go of your hurt and cease your anger immediately, ignore them. That would only bury the pain deep within you and nothing good comes from that. Your repressed anger eventually will erupt, not once but many times, causing both of you to suffer far too long.
However, if you wish to hold on to your hurt rather than learning to forgive over time, getting back together will harm both of you. Years ago a woman told me the only reason she stayed with her husband after his affair was so she could remind him of his reprehensible deed every day for the rest of his life. They lived unhappily until finally he could no longer stand the misery and left her. It would have been less painful and more merciful for each of them if they had ended the marriage quickly.
If, on the other hand, you are willing to learn to forgive, your pain will heal and you can love each other deeply again. The pain does not disappear immediately..or even quickly. Yet making the decision to forgive sets you on the path not only to heal your pain, but also to heal your relationship.
You may wonder if you can get the images out of your mind of your bride being in the arms of the other man. As difficult as that is for you to imagine now, they will with time subside and finally dissolve. You also may wonder if you can get past the harsh or mean things she said, or the fact that she told you she loved him. With time that, too, will heal.
Any emotions she felt for him will completely disintegrate with time. Her asking you to take her back clearly demonstrates that she wants to be with you. Trust that.
Deciding to forgive is the first step. There are more. In our workshop for marriages in trouble, we guide participants through six clear and essential steps for reconciliation. They require specific actions from both the forgiver and the forgiven, including how to reestablish trust through accountability.
Third, Consider Your Future
If your relatives and friends know that your spouse cheated, you likely heard from some of them that you should divorce the scoundrel and, in the process, make him pay dearly for what he did. They love you and feel great hurt because you hurt. Therefore, for your own sake, please realize that the love they feel for you makes their counsel questionable. They may be driven too strongly by a desire to hurt the one who hurt you.
Rather than considering revenge, you would better serve yourself (and your children, if you have any) by contemplating what good could come from reconciliation, and what bad could come from starting anew with someone else if you choose not to be alone.
As one woman said, “When he asked me to forgive him and give him another chance, every person I asked for advice told me I could never trust him again. They urged me to get on with my life. But even though he had been gone long enough that I had already started seeing someone, I realized that while taking him back was a risk, so was this new relationship because every relationship is a risk. Who knows how much that man, or any other man I chose to love, might hurt me someday.
“I knew that at heart that my husband was a good man. The things he did were terrible. He hurt me..and our children..deeply. Not just what he did but the things he said. Yet, my heart told me his asking to come back meant he wanted to be the good guy again that he was before. It took some work to rebuild trust. There were times when I wondered if I’d made the right decision. But it’s been 25 years now and I’m so very happy that I gave him another chance. So are our kids.
“I guess I could have found a good man to marry..I didn't want to live the single life..but there was no assurance of that. I know the man I forgave and took back is a good man. A very good man who did a very bad thing in the past. Our life together isn't defined by the past, but where we are now. We love each other more deeply than we ever did..I think than we ever would have..because now we know what we have and how important it is to both of us.”
Finally, Ask Yourself These Questions
- Is my spouse a good person at heart who has done a bad thing?
- Has s/he asked sincerely and humbly to come back?
- Am I willing to experience my hurt but also to learn to curb any of my actions that would hurt him/her back?
- Am I potentially willing to learn to forgive and reconcile?
- If s/he is truly penitent and willing to do the things to earn back my trust and make our marriage good, could our life together be good?
![Should I Divorce My Wife Quiz Should I Divorce My Wife Quiz](https://www.wevorce.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/womandesk_wevorce.jpeg)
If you answered yes to enough of these to cause you to think that perhaps you need to take back your straying spouse, trust your heart. Consider trying it. Create boundaries and establish rules that give you peace. Seek professional help if you need it.
Consider coming to our workshop for marriages in crisis so that in three intense days we can help you know how the affair happened, how to make sure it doesn't happen again, how to create the environment that rebuilds trust, and how to forgive and reconcile for a wonderful future together. Call us toll free at 866-903-0990 or email us at [email protected]. We understand that every situation is different, and we want to help you make your decision, or to make your marriage good if you have already decided to take back your spouse.
Publication date: May 23, 2014
Success! A copy of this quiz is in your dashboard.
The thought of living without her sends scary jitters down your spine, doesn't it? Maybe you have some unfinished emotional business with her and are skeptical about the validity of your relationship! But you do love her, that's why you are giving it a second thought, otherwise your love would have been past. Settle down your curious neurotic activity by taking this quiz and save your relationship or whatever suits you the best!
- Have you made clear your concerns about the relationship?
In some cases
Yes
Never
More like a recurrence.
- A.
- B.
- C.
- D.
Even if it isn’t, we could always work something out
- A.
- B.
- C.
- D.
- 4.What Were the Best Times in Your Relationship?
First date
First child delivery
Wedding night
A day out with the kids
- A.
- B.
- C.
- D.
- 6.Do you and your spouse have shared expectations about the roles you play in the relationship?
I think we do
Yes
No
I don’t know
- What Has Gotten You to the Point Where Divorce is now the option?
Infidelity
Sex issues
Financial status
Unfulfilled responsibilities
- In the case where you have children, what would be the effect of the divorce on your children?
Negative
Wouldn’t affect them so much
Will affect them to an extent but they’d get through with time
They will understand
- A.
- B.
- C.
- D.
- 10.If there is a way to save the marriage, what would it be?
Honesty
Rekindling the love we once shared
Nothing
Placing the children as primary aim
Should I Divorce My Husband Quiz
Success! A copy of this quiz is in your dashboard.
Is your relationship worth the tears or is ittime to end it? Stay or go? Knowing if a relationship can be saved or if it's time to walk away can be confusing and overwhelming! Is it worth putting forth some extra effort or is it a lost cause? This test will help you to determine how to proceed.
- A.
- B.
Lonely, as if I am just an accessory or unimportant.
Good, I like being around my partner.
- A.
- B.
- C.
- 3.On our days off of work, we usually..
Enjoy doing things together.
Spend the time with other people.
Argue about what we should do.
- A.
We have a plan and are working towards it together.
We have no goals, we are just going day by day.
We each have our own goals, they are different in some ways.
- A.
- B.
My family hates my partner/ my partner's family hates me.
We try not to spend too much time with them.
- We have friends outside of the relationship but..
We spend more time with my partner's friends than mine or we spend more time with my friends than my partners.
They have their friends and I have mine, we spend time with friends apart from each other more often than not.
We have a group of friends that we spend some time with.
- A.
We have joint accounts and argue over how to spend or save often.
We have joint accounts but I save more than my partner does/ or my partner saves more than I do.
- A.
- B.
I don't worry about my partner cheating or flirting with others.
It crosses my mind that my partner may cheat or flirt with others.
- A.
I would have to know what it was, and would bug my partner till he told me.
I would ask about it, but respect my partner for not betraying his friend's trust.
I would be bothered by it, as we are not supposed to keep secrets from each other.
- A.
- B.
I feel like my partner should be proud to be with me.
I find myself looking around at others, wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere.